The word for today is BETTER, as in I feel BETTER, or this book, movie, recipe is better than that one. BETTER involves a comparison in which one thing or person is assigned more value than another.
I've been thinking about this word because I've been thinking about relationships, about whether any of my romantic relationships have been BETTER, more satisfying, than others. What I came up with, what I focused on, was that the last relationship in which I felt truly loved, was oddly enough, one in which I thought I was BETTER than the other person, BETTER than my partner.
I thought I was BETTER than he was because I had a steady professional job and he didn't; I had a car and he didn't; I rented a little house and he rented a room; I had credit with a bank and he had credit at the corner store.
For all these reasons, and because of my education and my upbringing, I thought I was BETTER than this man. I don't know how he dealt with it; I don't know how or why he put up with my attitude. I was mistaken; I still had so much to learn.
During my formative years, I was indoctrinated with the idea that I was BETTER. At college I learned that my classmates would do great things--we would be leaders in science, industry, academics, culture and government. I learned that I was different from other people, I was above them, I was BETTER.
Sometimes it seems as though I have spent the last twenty-five years losing everything. I have not actually lost everything, but I have lost a lot of my preconceived notions, a lot of the rigid ideas I had about myself and about other people.
The idea that I was BETTER kept me safe, kept me insulated. I had a reason to be separate; I had a reason to be apart. I had a reason not to open myself, not to be vulnerable to the myriad of people and conditions in the world.
Now, I don't measure myself by my job (I don't have one) or my house (I don't own one) or my car (I am grateful for my 10-year-old Honda Civic). I don't have a partner; I don't have children. All I have are my heart and mind and soul and a little bit of integrity. I have a small community of friends and neighbors and a family who, though they may be frustrated and bewildered by me, have never forsaken me.
None of these things make me BETTER than anyone else. They just make me feel a little BETTER so I can get on with my life and share whatever gifts I have with the world.
Hello Amy...you've made my day better!
ReplyDeleteSo many people's definition of themselves is what they do instead of who they are...and losing that job or way of life leaves one empty and questioning of who they are...Jobs are important as a means of security but don't define us...Everyone can't be the "Leader" of the band...to me the band is no less important though...sometimes the "band people" are more content...more defined in who they are as a person...there's more sharing of each others gifts...To share...you have to be accepting and giving...which in the end makes us feel better...I feel better sharing your words with you!
OK, but in the quest to keep the "I am BETTER" at bay - quite frankly, never really all that much of a big deal struggle for middle aged women as you, Amy, should be reminding me (!) - we must welcome the "I am as GOOD AS." Too much humility is not a good thing. xox
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