Cram

The word for today is CRAM, as in I have to CRAM for that exam. Today winter is cramming in one more snowstorm, a small kiss of accumulation coats the not yet budding branches and the pot-holed streets. My sink is cram full of dishes and I have a cramfull laundry basket of clothes. But the word for today is not cramfull, it is CRAM.

CRAM, I think is an ugly word. "Crambo" I have discovered, is a game in which one side has to provide a rhyme to a line of verse provided by the other side. Now that sounds like fun; I'd much rather sit around playing "Crambo" than cramming.

When I was young I crammed for exams. I still CRAM for life. I count the hours before something is due or before an event or a meeting and try to figure out how much longer I can sleep or otherwise avoid what I need/have to do. What is it that is so hard about getting prepared ahead of time, about making and sticking to a schedule, about giving myself a break? Oh yes, it's another dirty and not so little word--discipline.

As I get older, I cannot CRAM so much into my mind or my body. In college, I tried to read Moby Dick in a day and a half, I barely remembered anything from the book, although I did pass the exam. Now I can go back and read and enjoy detailed descriptions of mastheads or ambergris (discharge from the intestine of a sperm whale); I can contemplate philosophical passages on journeys and quests. I couldn't do that when I crammed.

Later today I am leading a local community meeting to garner support for MoveOn's PowerUp America campaign. I've been worried about whether we can CRAM all the people who want to come into the cafe space that's been donated. I've been worried about what I need to do: explain to about 50 people what MoveOn is doing to support the creation of green jobs and clean energy, describe the connection between federal funding and local action; introduce a DVD and several small group facilitators; reconvene the group. I'll need to be on, be ready, alert, engaged. I can't know everything before the event, as I mentioned before, I can't know the exact shape of it before it happens. I have been preparing for this event all week, but it is now four hours before and I need to end this post about the word CRAM.

I was about to write that I need to CRAM for the event this afternoon. Instead, I am going to take an hour and prepare; I am going to relax and bring my full, expansive self to the event. When I CRAM, I try to FIT too much information, too much activity. There is the implication that there is not enough room, not enough time.

One of my co-facilitators asked me recently, "Amy, do you have a problem with abundance?" I wanted to reply--no, as long as it's an abundance of time to sleep or wander with Rosie. (The brittle part of me also wished he'd stop his new age nosiness!)

There is yet another 12 step slogan that can help me today. It is How Important Is It? The answer--as important as I want it to be. Since I get to choose, I don't have to CRAM. The future of the world, the country, even of Evanston, does not depend on how much I can CRAM into the event this afternoon. I can choose to do what fits in the space and time and energy that I have. And maybe I can remember to make room for other people too!

Song for the day: Joni Mitchell's "Just Like this Train." Beautiful lyrics describing people in the train station waiting room.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Woo9SpTPDU